It's after 9pm so I can say Piss Off Ofcom!

The term 'Its Political Correctness gone mad' is being used far too much recently, and its beginning to spread onto our TV screens. Whenever I read the newspapers, I regularly see articles regarding complaints made to Ofcom, resulting in the organisation trying to restrict programmes on what they can and can't show. For those of you who do not know what Ofcom is. Its basically the call you make after the police tell you that someone threatening Kane on Emerdale does not count as a police matter! They are the next step down from Ghostbusters!

Source Kelly Rowland

But what really bugs me is how inconsistent they are! Last year, Ofcom had a paddy about how Rihanna and Christina Aguilera were too sexy in their performances (However, even if they were dressed as nuns they could make it sexy). What I want to know is how no one has complained about Kelly Rowlands performance on X Factor last week! Not only did she dress provocatively (Above), but her song is basically about being open to sexual activities. Lyrics such as 'I'm down for whatever, I'm down for whatever, when it comes to you, I can make love on the floor' and also 'baby lets get creative cause with you I am sure'

Now I don't care about the songs, or the dress code. What annoys me is how Ofcom has so much power over production companies. If Ofcom had its own way, every television programme would be like 'Relocation, Relocation, Relocation' or 'University Challenge' Even Monica Gellar would think it was no fun!

Would Britain really crumble is Ofcom didn't exist? Babestation would not be on every channel! Frankie Boyle still wouldn't be allowed his own programme! But people would be able to give their opinions on subjects without worrying about being in trouble, and more importantly, soaps would have proper arguments, so really it needs to happen!

Fingers crossed, someone from Ofcom will say either something racist, or something sexist and then they would no longer exist! So if Derren Brown can sort that out for me then maybe I would start taking him seriously!

Tory Party to increase binge drinking and alcoholism with new idea!

Source David Cameron

Now increasing members is important in any club or party. But with the country being critised for binge drinking; offering alcohol for memberships is not the best direction to take. So its lucky that we are used to the Tory party throwing common sense out of the window as they have come up with a brilliant idea to offer potential members, to make them join their party.

For a £5 membership fee, you can recieve £40 discount on 12 bottles of wine costing £60. This seems to be a bit excessive. Maybe it is because their membership numbers have sunked to below 270,000 members, (Could be because they are crap)

Hold on! Who is paying for this?! This better not be coming out of our taxes! Definately better not be claimed back through expences!!! Maybe they each put in a sum of money into a kitty... HAHA yeah my arse!!

I think they were drunk when they thought of this. I can imagine them in the board room. George saying to David, 'I tell you what David, we are a nation of binge drinkers and alcoholics. Why don't we use this to manipulate the weak minded into voting?' 'George that is a brilliant idea! This may be the alcohol talking but I have always respected you, you're such a beautiful person... I love you man...' Ok so the last bit was made up, but we don't know what is going on behind those doors. They could be dancing to 'It's Chico time' whilst downing jelly shots for all we know!

This is such a stupid idea. Increasing membership is just like joining the gym! You sign up, go for a couple of sessions, then regret the decision a drink your sorrow away!

Now i'm sorry guys, I think I am actually going to have to sign up, and I think everyone else should to! I mean for £5 you get £40 discount. Think about it, just because you sign up doesn't mean you have to vote for them, use them then dump them, its their own fault!

Where is Robin Hood when you need him?!

Source Unwanted Calls

Have you ever read anything that makes you uncontrollably laugh out loud. I tend to have these moments at least once a year, and yesterday during my lunch break at work, a laugh came out which drew unwanted attention to me.

The headline read 'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer' it was either in The Sun or The Mirror and at first I thought it was going to be the same boring article about how taxes are rising but the rich don't seem to be affected! Although its a piss take that we pay more, I've read that kind of story dozens of times!

This article was different though. It started off like the normal kind of article, but then the funny part emerged. I was told that banks would be contacting myself and every other customer in the UK to advise us on how to manage our money!

Now correct me if I'm wrong but I wasn't the one who lost our money in the first place! Maybe we should transfer their calls back to the same bank so they can learn from their mistakes! Apparently some of their advice is for customers to cut down on their phone bills, to cancel Sky, and to downgrade on their holiday. These people are probably talking to us by a pool in Dubai, sipping on a cocktail which is probably paid for with our money! When I see a picture of them at Pontin's, I will consider listening to them!

I'm sorry I might as well take advice about money from Kerry Katona. If they rang me and said 'The best advice we can give to you is to take all you money out in cash and store it in a safe' then I would listen as then I wouldn't have a potential character from TOWIE (The Only Way Is Essex) looking after my pounds...Yeah I used to have more, but the bank gave it to people who didn't have a hope in hell in paying it back!!!

Them giving us advice is cheekier than Katie Price telling teenage girls that going under the knife is not the answer! If their advice is so good and fool proof, why don't they give us back the money we have paid in taxes and they can sort out the debt themselves! Maybe don't give the 'merchant bankers' who screwed up our economy a bonus and instead put that money into the billions and billions of pounds we owe!

I have come to accept that I have to pay so much in tax. (doesn't mean I am happy about it but unless Steven Hawkins invents a time machine, there is not a lot we can do about it) But I think that if we are to pay it back, at least make it fun for us. An example, create a banker's fun fair! I would like to see the people who have put us in this mess put in the stocks, and we pay money to throw our taxes at them! Now the dedicated people would change their money up into pennies so they could get the most satisfaction out of it! (However in no way do I condone violence)

To be honest, why should we just concentrate on bankers, how about making politicians pay back their stupid claims... I could go on but my tea is ready. I have two slices of toast and a cup of water from the jug i put out in my back garden to fill me up. Cheers you Bankers!!!

Thames Water urges women not to shave their legs!

Source Woman Shaving

Now we can understand a hosepipe ban during our extremely hot weather. Because as we all know, England always seem to suffer from extremely hot weather during the summer, such as the summer of 2011. But I think we all know, if you tell women to stop shaving their legs to save on water, their response will be, 'well I'm not thirsty anyway' Its like asking Lee Evans to stop sweating on stage. Its not going to happen!

According to Thames Water, women use up to 50 billion litres a year by leaving the tap running. Apparently their research shows that if this stopped, there would be enough water to supply all homes in London for 25 days during times of low rainfall. 'We're not saying women shouldn't remove hair from their legs. We're just asking them to do it in a water-conscious way.'

I think if we are going to criticise women wasting energy, then how about when they leave the TV on when programmes such as Emmerdale, Coronation Street and Eastenders are on. Such a waste!!!

I think if they are serious about this, they need a campaign, and I think someone like Susan Boyle, possibly Julia Robert could lead it.

Source Julia Roberts

That armpit hair is disgusting. Not just because it is on a woman, but because that must of took a fair few weeks to grow. Maybe she was going to audition as a hobbit for the up-coming film 'The Hobbit' Have we got a picture of her feet?

This could save us a lot of water but I don't know whats more important. Saving water, or keeping women happy...However this leads to another question. Would men prefer silence for a couple of days, or to have their girlfriend happy... I know my answer...

Love you fiance!

Article read in the Daily Mail

Commercials increased by 22%!!!!!

Now i'm sure you are all like me. When you are watching a programme, getting really into it, you are rudely interrupted sodding TV channels throwing up to 5 minutes worth of adverts that you have no interest in. Well figures show that audiences are watching an extra 22% more edverts then they were 5 years ago, utter disgrace!

Source Go Compare Man

I can understand adverts which shows us programmes which will be coming to our TV screens in the near future. But constant adverts about accidents which weren't my fault is boring.

It has gotten to the stage where you could, if you have time on your hands (which I did) put a short story together during those five minutes. In fact...I have actually done it...

So the fat, annoying 'Go Compare' bloke was walking down the street reading a letter from 'Gladstone Brookes' about PPIs when he fells over Aleksandr the meerkat and sprained his ankle. Now because he was injured in an accident which wasn't his fault, he knew by the constant adverts, that he could be entitled to compensation. But he needed money just in case he lost so he had to put all his gold into an envelope and sent it off to 'Cash my Gold'. Now that still wasn't enough so he had to use 'Quick Quid' for help. So after a week he won, but because of the 1734% APR he got into financial difficulty. So he had to consolidate all his loans into one manageable monthly repayment.

Its a crap story but they are crap adverts!

The problem is, they are aimed at naive benefit cheating muppets who would cut off their hand if it meant they could get a 40" TV out of it.

How many times do 'Gladstone Brookes' and other companies have to advertise PPI's?! I wish I was allowed to be the voice of their advert. 'If you have had a loan in the last six years where you didn't understand your repayments or the insurance sold to you. Then you shouldn't of taken out the loan you f**king idiot, you deserve everything you get!'

Its the same with 'Quick Quid' what a brilliant advert 'Too many bills this month? Then do what I did! Visit QuickQuid.co.uk/TV and get the money you need today...Its so quick and simple, I got the money, and in return they now own my house, and I work as an escort in the evenings to try and pay it back. If you are interested why not call me on 0800GULLABLE'

Guys please ignore these adverts. Unless you like teddies, if so, use compare the market and you can get a teddy bear!

John Terry, Rio Ferdinand and Wayne Rooney plea to stop the rioting!

Source England team

In an attempt to stop the rioting, England captain John Terry, along with Rio Ferdinand and Wayne Rooney have attended a press conference to plead to the rioters to stop, allowing the premiership games to start this weekend.

Club England managing director Adrian Bevington spoke on the behalf of the players. Their joint statement said: ‘On behalf of the squad, we would like to say we are disappointed that tomorrow’s game has been called off but obviously we understand the reasons behind this decision and support it. We’ve all seen the terrible pictures on the television and the most important thing at this time is the safety of the fans and the general public. At this time, the whole squad would like to appeal for calm and an end to the disorder that has been ongoing.’ 

Now I think its great that the England team are trying to use their status as role models to make a difference. But why choose these three? One of them was banned for 6 months for missing drug tests, and they have all been in the newspapers because of adultery. It would of been equally as affective if they bought the Kray Twins back from the dead to ask for peace.

What is going on with this country anyway. They are using the shooting of Mark Duggan by police as an excuse to cause havoc. Here are my issues with that:

1. He was a gang member
2. Even if he didn't fire his weapon. If he pointed it at armed police, they are going to shoot.
3. His picture definitely made him appear to be the pillar of the community

Source Mark Duggan

Now I have an idea on how to punish these teenagers. Obviously chucking them in prison would be great, but we do have a problem with them being full. Why don't we go to these people's houses, go up to the their rooms, grab everything expensive that they own e.g. TV, CD player, ipod, mobile, games consoles etc. Take the items, put them in a skip, and set the feckers on fire, and make them watch. We could even chuck them in but I don't know if that comes under their human rights.

 

I don't know about you guys but all this rioting goes to show that we need to listen more to the Kaiser Chiefs!